When the Helper Needs Help

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Before there was Olivia Pope, Annalise Keating, or even Ray Donovan, there has always been real-life fixers.  I know plenty of them.  I come from a long-line of them, and I, myself, am one. Show us a tear, and we are there with needle and thread.  Give us a hole, and we'll patch it. We see a wound, and we provide balm to heal it.  A fire – we are there with a water hose!

Crafty and resourceful, we specialize in solving problems. Some of us may have been born genetically predisposed to it, or environmental factors may have necessitated that become fixers, helpers, or "do-it-yourselfers." Sometimes, out of our own brokenness, we may have walked down that path to help fix others in the hopes of maybe – we, ourselves would be fixed.

We're wired to excel in a multitude of things.  Yet, what makes us valuable in the marketplace and on teams can also get us into trouble.  In our zeal to fix processes, programs, and people, we can unknowingly leave a trail of damage behind us, because our greatest strength becomes our greatest weakness.

I recently watched an episode of The Crown on Netflix, and a powerful scene unfolded on the screen.  A young Prince Phillip, who was at boarding school, was building a wall in the rain. He was supposed to be working with a partner, but after coming back from the funeral of his sister and family members, he was overcome with raw emotion. He decided to build the wall by himself. For a while, he was successful in building it alone, as those around him watched.  His peers wanted to assist him, and asked the Headmaster if they could help, but the he Headmaster replied, "no." He firmly stated that if Phillip wanted help, he must ask for it.

So, Phillip toiled on by himself, until the literal weight of it all became overbearing. He came inside the school - broken and bloodied - looking like he'd been in a battle, and he said in a small voice, as if defeated, "help." The Headmaster said to Phillip: "louder." Phillip cried out, "I need help!" It was at that moment that the Headmaster told the other boys, "Now, we go!"

I love this account, because it demonstrates so well, how many of us operate.  We go about doing things: toiling, working, and operating out of place that sets us up for failure.  Some of it stems from a fear of being perceived as weak; distrust of people’s motives – there is no such thing as a free lunch and sooner or later someone may come collecting; embarrassment that we have found ourselves in that place.  Mostly, it stems from pride.

But who does the helper call on for help?  Who helps to fix the fixer?

I've been in this position on numerous occasions.  One such time was 1998. I met someone who would become and is still one of my dearest friends. Naturally, she's a helper and a fixer.  She came into my life at a time, when I was emotionally broken. I was fresh off uncovering a devastating relationship betrayal.  I felt like no one in the world had been through what I had gone through, and that no one could possibly understand the gamut of my emotions: the love, the loathing, the anger, and the frustration. Yet, there she was.  I’m not sure how we broached the conversation, but she provided me with the help I needed. Not just with unwarranted or unsolicited advice – but with empathy, compassion, and clarity, she bared her soul. She shared her story about how she had through gone something very similar, and let me know she was still standing to tell her testimony.

Many of us have been beaten up, broken down, or torn up, just like Phillip, and we attempt to go at it alone. But the moment we call out for help! The pivotal point when we step back from ourselves or our situations, when we admit that we need someone other than ourselves and that our own efforts aren't enough – that is when we gain the victory.

When we dare to say it louder, which can come in various forms like – calling on the God of all creation to help us as only He can; breaking down in honesty to a friend; calling in someone to help us de-clutter; seeking counseling for grief or marriage; adhering to a mental health or health plan to ensure our well-being; signing into a program to treat an addiction; or taking a break from it all before we break down -that’s where our breakthrough comes. That’s when He tells His legions of angels, “Now, we go!”

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.  It is knowing our limitations that He can work for us and through us.  As Psalm 51:17 states, “The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

Other Scriptures:

• “Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Psalm 3:5-6
• “Trust in the Lord, He is your help and your shield.” Psalm 115:9-11
• “Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Are you a helper who's needed God to help you?  Leave a comment below on how He's shown up for you.

(C) 2018 by Antoinette V. Barber